Your Guide To Women

Ladies,

If for some reason, your dude wants to wait awhile before having sex (which is more common than you might think) don’t pressure him. Also, don’t try to seduce him while drunk. You usually end up looking like an idiot.

There are only three ways to kiss someone (for the first time.)

1. The Element of Surprise.

This is for when you have some built up sexual tension. I personally love this one because it says “I can’t wait another second, I need you now.” DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS IF YOU’RE UNSURE THE OTHER PERSON WANTS IT. But if you do know, either if you’ve discussed it, or it is beyond blatantly obvious, this is a seriously good move. Catch them off guard. Works best in the middle of a sentence, even about something mundane. My ex-boyfriend did this to me and it was one of the best first kisses I’ve ever had. Let’s say you’re a guy and the person you want to kiss is a girl. You might be sitting in the car, and she’s telling you about her first grade teacher. Suddenly, you grab her side, pull her in by the nape of her neck, and next thing you know, you’re making out. Just FYI: these kisses tend to be rougher, at least at the beginning. They can descend into something soft, but by their very nature, they start off a bit porno-esque.

2. That Old “Eye Thing”

Look at movies. That’s the best way to get this down. If you’re talking, and you both are pretty close and looking intensely at each other, chances are both people want it. One thing I’ve noticed a lot of girls do is close their eyes part way. Another thing is we tilt our chin down and look up at you. This might be an attempt to look bashful, or… oh, hell, I don’t know. I just know we do it. So if you’re getting this, you should look a little shy too. If you start moving forward just a bit, your partner should reciprocate. If not, you might be shit out of luck.

3. A Simple Question

Recently I had a guy tell me he wanted to kiss me and just flat out ask for my permission. It was so refreshing and sweet. If you do this, try not to be creepy. Just be yourself. Try something like… “You know, I really want to kiss you right now… would that be okay?” 

Whatever you decide, kissing is all about body language, so double check that before you go in for a big, wet one.

If you and guy haven’t hooked up, or sexted before, or anything, it’s not he best idea to tell him you “Can’t wait to sigh his name in his ear as he slides into you.”

Just saying.

Don’t listen to your meathead friends; boxer briefs are sexy.

When you’re trying to get with a lady, refrain from telling her about some past girl who was “perfect” or “rocked your world.”

Sounds stupid, but if a guy wants to talk to you, he will. When you always start the conversation, take that as a sign that he’s not very interested.

Drunk is never sexy.

I attempted to upload the songs but apparently they “weren’t MP3s.” Psh. Whatever, tumblr. Suck a dick.

Aaaaaanywho…

These are my sexy songs for all types of stripteases.

1. I’ve Got Your number, By Elbow

2. Kiss, by Prince

3. Fever, by Peggy Lee

4. Closer, by Nine Inch Nails

5. Crazy Bitch, by Buckcherry

6. Toxic, by Britney Spears (I actually think the glee cast version is hotter. I’ll allow you guys to pass judgement on that one)

7. Bread & Butter, by Hugo

8. Do You Want To Touch Me (Oh Yeah), by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

9. Bell Luna, by Jason Mraz

10. Better Man, Martina Sorbara

p.s. I thought about adding Pour Some Sugar On Me to the list, but come on. I can’t be like every other sex blog. How boring.